- Issues that I struggle with..
- May 9th, 2010
1. Falling for someone and having a hard time seperating my thoughts of him from everyday activities.
2. Taking it deeply personal when I'm rejected.
3. Being suspicious when the person in the above #2 seems to be making "friends" with someone else, and me wondering why the fuck aren't they "friends" with me.
But not really truly knowing if they are making"friends" with that person, just going off of what I see because I am obsessed with #2 and generally anxious about the whole possibilty of a relationship anyway.
4. Being wishy-washy and a pompous ass when it comes to me cutting that person off in my head, only hoping to hold on to the last string of hope that they will "come to their senses" and all of a sudden like me more.
This is why I don't date that often. I find a guy interesting and attractive and a joy to be with, but then my anxiety takes hold, I get a signal of some sort, I latch on to him and/or the idea of him being wherever they are. I get a little paranoid and might call too often, or text too often. Then when I do get the nerve to ask what's going on, I get all tense and stupid.
It was this time last year that I was dating someone and it went well for a short while, but then something happened and I reacted. It took me awhile to move on. I ended up seeing a therapist (which was suppose to have been set up a long while ago to talk about my panic attacks..) and the first session I burst into tears, finally releasing the stupid shit in my head about what was going on in that relationship and why I was pretty damn depressed for so long. I need to break this cycle. I want to break this cycle.
I would love someday to find myself in a place where he and I find each others interest mutually and I can go about my daily life without feel so god damn anxious, annoyed, tearful, upset, and all that emotional baggage that I put myself through.
Writing this and being honest and sharing with my friends, helps...